How to Do Vulnerability
Two definitions of vulnerability stand out:
Open to being easily influenced or attacked
Willingness to show emotion or weakness
The parallels and paradoxes of these two definitions for one word have made it difficult to narrow down how we show vulnerability in the modern era. Being open with emotions opens us up to attack, and any vulnerable venture requires courage. These two definitions feed into one another: we can be brave and afraid. The hardest part of intimacy is having it; vulnerability is a prerequisite to intimacy. Let's break down how to do vulnerability with the three E's: emotional responsibility, empathy, and exposure.
Emotional Responsibility. Stand-up comedy and podcasts are my two favorable forms of entertainment. In Taylor Tomlinson's Netflix special Look At You, she opens up about her bipolar diagnosis and makes an analogy of emotional struggles to not being able to swim. "You need to take your arm floaties." I'll paraphrase, but essentially, her line states: If you can't swim and jump into the deep end of the public pool, making it everyone else's concern to save you is not okay. Here are your arm floaties (aka emotional responsibility tools).
Emotional responsibility creates stability for vulnerability through accountability of mood and actions. A person lacking emotional responsibility seeks others to approve, validate, or join in the emotional distress. Emotional exposure requires emotional responsibility as a solid foundation.
Emotional Responsibility Exercise:
What am I feeling, and what is the emotional story? What am I telling myself that other people are doing, who I am, and how can I edit this story?
What is something I can do for myself? Take a kindly accountable approach.
What is the generous interpretation? We often go into victim mode (we're human; it happens). Thoughts such as: "They're supposed to support me" or "They knew how hard this was for me to talk about" may come up. What is the generous interpretation for yourself and the other person?
Empathy. Genuine empathy engages with emotions with compassionate curiosity. The more we empathize with ourselves, the more we can empathize with others. Empathy holds space for hard emotions to be there, for joy to exist without fear, and sees self as a way to walk alongside others. Here's an empathy exercise:
When do I judge my own emotions? How can I turn criticism into compassion?
What feels difficult for me to sit with? What can I get curious about?
How can I put my own stuff aside so that I can be there for others?
Exposure. According to the OG vulnerability researcher Brenè Brown, vulnerability consists of three components: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Emotional responsibility is the cornerstone of taking risks when you can't predict others' reactions when you share something deeply vulnerable. Emotional exposure invites others to take part in intimacy. When you allow someone to see into your heart, you give permission for yourself to receive. Receiving is one of the most intimate verbs in relationships. Here's how to practice emotional exposure:
Timing is key. If your partner is in the middle of sending a work email, and you want to talk about the argument from earlier that day, maybe now is not the best time. Inquire with your person by asking, "When do you feel you can be present for a conversation?"
State how you feel and what you need. Saying, "I'm looking to feel heard rather than problem-solving," helps the other person give you what you need.
Make it about you. Often, when I ask people in couples sessions to share how they feel, the response is something like, "I feel like you could be less critical." Want to add gasoline to a fire? Use this phrase. Instead, share more about you. "I feel hurt by what you said earlier. I'm telling myself that I must be a bad partner. I don't think you meant it that way, but I would like to talk about this with you." This goes a long way.
To being courageously vulnerable.
Brittani
