A Family Affair: Therapy Edition

Suppose there is a list of verbs that consist of what family units do. In that case, it may look like the following: miss, love, fight, yell, hug, pacify, monitor, manage, normalize, and frequently wonder how we are related. You could think of more, but you get the gist. Therapists ask, "What was life for you growing up?" not because we want to draw everything back to childhood or blame parents for all life's problems. The question intends to provide reflection and understanding of what was normal to you. Was it normal for mom to cook while dad worked? Was there someone to walk on eggshells when they were around? Who was nurturing? How did you learn to love and be loved? All of these are questions that influence how we relate today.

Structures in Families. A therapist examines roles, hierarchies, power, boundaries, and reactions in the family system. Metaphorically think of the family system as a company. Companies work well when there are clear roles. If no one knew who makes the executive decisions, handles finances, or does marketing tasks, you can conclude that the lack of boundaries makes people uneasy. A company that is too strict, where people feel micromanaged, untrusted, or even fearful of coming to work, has too rigid boundaries. In both scenarios, people would jump ship relatively quickly. Families experience the same problems. Except, children can't choose to leave at any time they want. Children learn to adapt to their system behaviorally and psychologically. 

Get Unstuck. We can't choose our family, and we can't change them, but we make choices that best support the relationships we have with them. Take a step back and examine how you relate to family members. Are you getting sucked into the familiar patterns you adapted to in your younger years? What is your role? Peacemaker, joker, hero, achiever, perfect one, invisible one, attention seeker, victim, aggressor, independent, helper, dependent, savior, enabler, angry one, and boss are a list of common roles, and you may find yourself playing multiple parts in your system. Notice how this shows up in your life. You may be the overachiever at work, the peacemaker among friends, or use humor as a defense mechanism. These are mechanisms for emotional security. 

Reflections for You:

Were boundaries lacking, rigid, or somewhere in the middle? 

Identify your roles (you may have more than the list above). How do they show up now?

Notice when you tend to play this role. Is it in the face of discomfort? Seeking approval? Desire to be noticed? Grasping onto control? 

Insert compassion for yourself and your family during these reflections. It can go a long way.