Dating Dilemmas
“Dating is exhausting! I wish my person would just fall out of the sky. I don’t want to keep doing this when I’m 30.” This was the start of a conversation with a client. No, it’s not the first time I’ve heard this…. And yes, I’ve said the same thing myself. The modern era has conflicting messages:
You’ll find your person when it’s the right time.
Don’t keep waiting until the perfect scenario happens for you to meet someone.
Work on your career and get head first.
No one’s perfect, and don’t settle.
Romantic relationships take intentional effort, whether we’re dating or in long-term commitments. We choose romantic partners for companionship, intimate connection, and sensuality, and to create a life together. A partnership balances the nuances of the day-to-day; endures major life decisions of career changes, whether parenthood is in the picture, or career changes. The existential aspects of relationships strengthen through vulnerability and create waves when paths appear divergent.
When we look ONLY to the status quo to fulfill our relationship needs, we’ll settle for what we think we want. If you to make a therapist cringe tell them a prospect “checks all of your boxes.” I try to not outwardly eye roll when I hear this. When “checking boxes” becomes the primary focus, it makes for an unstable relationship. Both life and people evolve, it’s not a matter of if but a matter of when. Someone who meets the criteria now may not meet the same criteria in five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years from now. Let’s be real the only thing that doesn’t change too much about a person is their height, so if that’s a “box” for you then that’s all you can count on to stay stagnant.
Yes, what you envision for a home, job, whether you want to have kids or not, and retirement absolutely matter. Sharing a vision for life and the future together is absolutely essential. Discerning the values and what matters in these regards enables you to gather evergreen data. Compatibility is building a shared vision together for life, and these elements matter in creating a shared or separate vision.
What Do You Want? This question may be the simplest and most difficult to answer in a meaningful way. Wanting can reside in two ways: out of need or out of desire. When needs are met relationships are fulfilled because both individuals are charged by one another. Desire is not by default self-indulgent, it is the sensation that brings vitality to life. Desire shows up in the purest sense when we understand our values honing a deep sense of what really matters in life. Desire stems from a deep longing to show someone just how much they mean to you.
The existential questions are ever-present. These questions don’t stop when we find our partner, however, they are put into a more expansive context. Relationships expand who we are. We get to make sacrifices for one another, share unique intimacy, play in a sensual way, lean into conflict for growth, and discover unique parts of ourselves. That is the pain, beauty, and wholehearted experience of love. There is no time constraint that all of this come to fruition. You’re on your own timeline, and you have the opportunity to love it or leave it however you desire.
