Family Therapy: Holiday Edition

Tis the season for family togetherness. During this season, we get the front-row seat to examine the patterns that have been bestowed, leaving us to question if we can change the system. Appreciation, irritation, excitement, anxiety, love, and loathe may be mixed bag of emotions that show up during holiday gatherings. Observations give us different perspectives, which leaves us questioning, now what do we do with all of this? 

Imagine your holiday gathering turning into a family therapy session. Most people would probably exit the party with a quick Irish goodbye. Typically people run from the idea of going to family therapy. The thought of sitting in a room with a structured family feud is probably no one's idea of a good time. Some may wonder if it could actually work. Since forethought typically wins, most people who go to therapy individually unpack the family stuff. Our families teach everything from the best way to load a dishwasher to how to argue, love, and show emotions. Acquaintance with family concepts can help you feel more compassionate, understanding, and at ease when you're all in the same room. 

Your Crash Course in SFT. Structural Family Therapy (SFT) was developed by Salvador Minuchin, an Argentinian psychiatrist who pioneered family therapy in juvenile centers for boys. The emphasis in this modality is boundaries. Ideally, families balance the two dichotomies of belonging and individuality. As kids, the freedom to be ourselves resides in the security of home. Of course, there are extreme versions. Enmeshment describes a lack of boundaries; people own one another's emotions, "fix" each other's problems and blame for causing problems. Disengagement involves disconnected family members who have incredibly rigid boundaries. There is little regard for the emotional states of other family members and ignorance of how each person influences the family system. 

Enmeshment Patterns:

Your emotions are my emotions

What you do affects and reflects me

Inability to engage in healthy conflicts

Feeling guilty when expressing wants/needs

Difficulty expressing personal thoughts and feelings if they differ from others

Disengaged Patterns:

Feeling dismissed when expressing emotions

Conflicts do not get resolved

Often feeling shame for expressing wants, needs, or emotions

Feeling isolated and alone

Conversations remain surface level 

Codependency. People-pleasing tendencies often form when we look to others to manage our emotional states. As author Liz Gilbert says, people-pleasing is really people manipulating. This may feel harsh, but truth often feels like a kick in the stomach. Codependency is defined by Webster's dictionary as "a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person." In families where someone has struggled with addiction, illness, narcissism, or perfectionism, you may see these patterns show up.

Distance Makes the Family More Anxious. Disengaged family patterns may lead to avoidance in emotional conversations, blaming others for how you feel, outright anger, and isolation as a defense mechanism. We repeat learned reactions when we don't know what to do with emotions. Take note of how this pattern shows up and how you feel when it does. Practice identifying your emotions is beneficial to overcome avoiding emotional discourse or connection. 

Be Conscious. Shame and blame can slyly creep into our minds when we think about our families. It's seductive to think, "I am this way because of you. You make me do this." Consciously withstanding the tempting trap of internally or externally scolding our families opportunities to protect our serenity. There is a saying in Al-Anon, "You didn't cause it, you can't fix it, and you can't control it." Protect your peace, and enjoy the season. 

Peace, love, and boundaries,
Brittani