It’s Not About The Damn Dishes

If you’ve ever seen the movie The Breakup, you can probably recall the scene where Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) says to Gary (Vince Vaughn) “I’m going to do the dishes.” Gary replies, “Cool” while playing video games. Brooke responds, “It would be nice if you would help me.” And so it begins. There is protest, resentfully giving in, passive aggressive responses, talks about lemons, flowers, the ballet, and a college football game. They’re bringing up all of these events to prove points about how they feel under appreciated, lack quality time, and feel seemingly misunderstood. This scene captures conflict of what couples go through on a regular basis, and 99.9% of the time it is not about the damn dishes. 

Tell Me What You Want. Difficulty in expressing emotions typically results in freezing, pleasing, displacement, or outbursts. Our emotions occur at all times whether we acknowledge them or not. Discounting emotional needs ultimately disregards parts of you creating distance with those you want to have meaningful relationships with. Emotional needs are essential in relationships. I talk with many people who say “I don’t want to be a burden,” “I don’t want to seem needy,” or “I might be too much.” When people don’t directly ask for what it is they truly want other maladaptive methods will take over in attempt to meet unspoken emotional needs. 

Rugged individualism is pervasive in American culture. Individualistic mottos include: Do it yourself, ask no one for help, perfectionism is a badge of honor, and look like you have your shit together especially when it’s hard. We pride ourselves on personal achievements, but overlook the importance of togetherness. Individualism can be classified as the people who do most work themselves because no one else can do it better, but resent others for not helping. This classic dynamic induces separateness resulting in feeling lonely together. Loneliness in relationships is rooted in feeling unseen, overlooked, and under valued. Shifting perspectives to intentionally learn more about your partner is necessary, and that means (particularly for Gary’s case) putting your stuff aside because you want to show your partner they matter. Emotional attunement is the desire to understand your partner’s inner world. Emotional attunement focuses on seeking to learn rather than seeking to be right. Putting ego aside for these moments results in diminishing loneliness for yourself and relationships. 

To take it back to The Breakup, this is what was really being said:

Brooke: Well, i'm gonna go do the dishes.

Gary: Cool.

Brooke: It'd be nice if you help me.

The passive aggressive way of asking indicates she wants more emotionally, but the dishes are a convenient topic to argue over for this moment in time.

Gary: No problem. I'll get them a little bit later. I'm just gonna hit the streets here for a little bit.(Playing video game)

Gary’s not paying attention, but she’s making a bid for connection. 

Brooke: Gary, come on, I don't want to do them later. Let's just do them now. It'll take 15 minutes.

I’m imagining Brooke is hearing, “My time on this game is more important than helping you.”

Gary: Honey, I am so exhausted. I just honestly want to relax for a little bit. If i could just sit here, let my food digest, and just try to enjoy the quiet for a little bit. And we will... you know, we can clean the dishes tomorrow.

Fifteen minutes turned into tomorrow diminishing reliability as a partner quality, leaving Brooke to feel dismissed.

Brooke: Gary, you know i don't like waking up to a dirty kitchen. (Getting tense)

Gary: Who cares?

Brooke: I care! Alright? I care! I busted my ass all day cleaning this house and then cooking that meal. And I worked today. And it would be nice if you said thank you and help me with the dishes.

She could have said at the beginning, “It would show me how much you care if you paused your game and helped me with the dishes.” This probably would have changed the dynamic of the conversation.

Gary: Fine, I'll help you do the damn dishes. (Tossing his controller and feeling annoyed)

Gary isn’t doing this to intentionally hurt Brooke. He just wants to have his time. However, relationships are not about who’s agenda is more important. Relationships need compromise for cohesion. 

Brooke: Oh, come on. You know what? No. See? That's not what i want.

I’m hurt that you don’t see how I feel as important.

Gary: You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes.

Brooke: I want you to want to do the dishes. (Still tense)

What Brooke really means: “I want you to show that you care about me because I don’t feel valued in this moment. This story I’m telling myself is that I concede to what you want more frequently because I put more investment into our relationship." 

 Gary: Why would I want to do dishes? Why?

 Brooke: See, that's my whole point.(Walks away into the kitchen)

 Gary: Let me see if I'm following this, ok? Are you telling me that you're upset because I don't have a strong desire to clean dishes?

Gary is asking for clarification, but because Brooke is not in touch with how she is really feeling Gary is guessing that this is still about the dishes. 

Brooke: No. I'm upset because you don't have a strong desire to OFFER to do the dishes.

This makes some progress, but does not get to the heart of the matter.

Gary: I just did. (Yells)

Brooke: After i asked you! (Yells back and tapes the table)

Is It Worth It? Couples sometimes say, “If I have to ask is it really worth it?” The real question is are you worth it? Are you worth expressing your emotions, having your needs be met, and building the relationship you truly want to have? It’s not about the damn dishes. It’s about building a strong relationship.