Make Friends with Change
Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest indicates that survival is not about being the strongest, it’s about being the most adaptable. How do we adapt when we think about how difficult change can be? Oftentimes I hear:
“I don’t like change.”
“Change is hard.”
“People don’t really change.”
“Things feel off in my relationship. How do I change them?”
“I don’t like feeling uncomfortable.”
These may be the common phrases, but what the true underlying statement is the following: “I’m unsure of myself when I face the unknown.”
Getting Good at Change. We can use personal examples regards to how we have evolved. Think about how much you do each day. You didn’t always know how to read, write, drive a car, cook, or do your job. There are a plethora of examples you can use to support the idea that you are capable of evolving. However, we discount all of these things and overtime become increasingly unsatisfied. Getting stuck in limiting beliefs of who we are impacts how we perceive ourselves on a regular basis. Switching focus is imperative to endorsing values based change. This is a process that takes repetitions, and just like reps at the gym you’ll gain strength in areas you didn’t know existed.
Psychological Flexibility. The mind-body connection is so powerful and analogous in this framework. Psychological flexibility is a term from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is a modality that takes a mindfulness CBT approach to live in accordance with values. The six principles of psychological flexibility include:
Contacting the Present Moment: Fully experience what is around you rather than going down the multitude of thoughts the mind gravitates towards
Defusion: Think of this as hot yoga for the mind. Just as heat in a room creates flexibility in the body, defusion creates flexibility for thoughts. It is the ability to create distance to simply observe thoughts rather than create meaning from them.
Acceptance: Accepting internal discomfort increases tolerance. Open up to difficult thoughts and emotions rather than getting entangled in “I shouldn’t be thinking or feeling this way.”
Self as Context: When we’re caught up in planning, judging, and fantasizing we’re missing out on getting to know our true selves. Simple observe thoughts just as you would observe a flower on a walk. Let it pass by.
Values: What matters to you? Knowing the principles you live by and how you want to spend your time influences the person you are becoming.
Committed to Action: The greatest determinant of internal states is behavior. Yes we are more than what we do, and what we do influences the person we are. Commit to actions that are in alignment with values.
Practice is Progress Not Perfection. The only thing that is certain is uncertainty. This can be a beautiful thing if you welcome in the novel experiences, challenges of strength, and finding resilience in the struggle. Cold showers, meditation, and waking up early are widely discussed as agents of beneficial health behaviors. Are any of these things comfortable? Heck no! That is what makes them type-two-fun activities.
The Challenge. Do one thing outside of your comfort zone. For example: You might be going to the gym to lift a bunch of weight, but would never dare to try an art class. Sure you could say trying a yoga class is outside of the comfort zone as well, but it’s already in an already familiar realm of physical activity. Change it up! Doing something new that excites you translates to times of change that are difficult.
Bend to the beats life has to offer.
