Reframe Your New Year Endeavors
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." E.B. White. Our micro-addiction to progress has us choosing self-improvement that often turns into a paralyzing perfectionism within ourselves. New Year's resolutions take two extremes: more and less. More money, working more, exercising more, waking up earlier for more time, meditation to be more mindful, and reading more are all examples of more. The flip side of less includes extreme juice detoxes, spending less money, calorie restriction, phone time, and minimalism. Nothing is good or bad, but when we swing into unsustainable extremes, we're setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction. Here's an alternative: What if we strive for contentment and change in a calibrated way that breaks us from the pendulum-swinging, self-help perfectionistic framework?
Fierce Self-Compassion. Misconceptions of self-compassion misguide people into passive complacency. Self-compassion consists of active practices to embrace resilience. Here is a simplified equation of fierce self-compassion:
Intention + Do hard things - Self-berating = Fierce Self-Compassion
Give yourself permission to have goals and risk failing at them. When you do, notice if shame comes up. Notice if the "I'm not good enough" voice invades your psyche like a virus, resulting in feeling down and out for the unforeseeable future. Shame is part of the human experience, and any new practice can be challenging, and self-development comes with setbacks. Life will throw you the lessons you need to keep learning, and when you seize the opportunity to learn and grow, you combat the notion of shame and failure every single time.
When to Make Like Nike and Just Do It. "I should go to the gym more." I've heard this statement from a couple of clients. Their tone sounds as enthusiastic as saying, "I should go watch grass grow." Starting from a place of dread negates momentum for desire, no matter how much you want the outcome. I offer an alternative question, "What's a process you'll enjoy doing?" Play consists of three elements: challenge, satisfaction, and engagement. Dopamine, the molecule of more, will naturally engage us in complex tasks. Kids who struggle to do math homework will continue because dopamine says, "Keep going." Naturally, we have internal mechanisms that work with us when we overcome our own stories, internal struggles, or personal inertia to take the first step. The process may not always be pleasurable, but the idea of satisfaction goes a long way.
Last Words. For whatever goals, dreams, or ideas you pursue this year, consider this: We're all here figuring out life together. You're never alone; no one has it all figured out, and be a little kinder to yourself and others, especially when it's hard.
Happy New Year,
Brittani
