The Overlooked Attractive Quality
When you think of your ideal partner, what comes to mind? If you're in a relationship, don't worry. Your secret is safe here if your partner doesn't fit the character coming to mind. Generally, people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s look for variable qualities in an attractive partner.
20's Dating
Adventure and fun
Ambition
Common interests
30's Dating
Stability and security
Emotional intelligence
Aligned values and goals
40's Dating
Compatibility
Independence
Emotional and intellectual maturity
Life wisdom that comes with age evolves our interests in the qualities we seek in a partner. A sense of responsibility becomes more attractive with time. These trends tend not to apply to dating but to committed relationships. There's an endearing naivete in our 20s that doesn't hold up in our 40s.
What is the overlooked attractive quality? Accountability. Lack of accountability becomes problematic over time in a relationship. Accountability shows as:
Being able to understand how your actions impact the other person
Emotional transparency, rather than demeaning the other person or blaming a situation for your response
Owning emotions, mistakes, and thoughts and making amends
Accountability is the sexiest quality, no matter what age your body lives in or your relationship status. Part of what makes accountability attractive is what you don't have to deal with when you're with someone who lacks accountability. You might know the people who:
Become highly defensive when you give even the slightest feedback.
Play the blame game: nothing is their fault. It's the guy who cut them off in traffic, their boss for being a jerk, your fault for not predicting they would be in a bad mood when you ask for one thing.
Play the shame game: they go into blaming themselves, and you're responsible for it. They'll over-apologize and say, "I didn't mean to make you feel so bad; now I feel guilty and am spiraling," or "I can't believe I made you upset; I didn't mean to!"
If you bring up a concern or problem, they'll criticize you for what upset them last week.
What if my partner struggles with accountability? Glad you asked! You can't do anything. I'm slightly joking. You can't change the other person, but can change how you respond to them. In a time when it is not an imminent stressful/argumentative situation, talk to your person. Examples of scripts include:
"When I brought up to you how I would like more help around the house, I noticed we got heated. I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed with everything we need to do, and need your help. What can we do to make this work?"
"I notice when I'm feeling upset, it also makes you upset, and I leave the conversation feeling misunderstood. You're the person I would like to be vulnerable with, and it would be great if we could work on our communication so we both feel heard."
Notice that in each of these scripts, you are inviting your partner to problem-solve with you. You can mirror accountability for your partner if they struggle with owning their part. Yes, this takes work. If you feel you're in a relationship you desire to be in, then taking the lead in this dynamic will be helpful to both of you.
Accountably,
Brittani
PS. This article is not meant for people experiencing narcissistic abuse. There will be more to come on this (very loaded) topic.
