Alleviate Comparative Suffering
"Who's going to want to hear me talk about my life? They have things going on in their own lives," said a client during a session. I often hear statements like, "Why bother saying anything?" and "I don't want to burden people, plus my situation could always be worse." Typically these statements come from people who question why sharing parts of themselves with their inner circle matters. Sharing stories connects all of us. However, we've learned somewhere along the way how we need to act to be accepted. Then we've adapted strategies that inhibit meaningful connections.
Comparative Suffering. How do you make sense of pain? For some, it's trying to minimize their pain in light of others. They might use phrases such as, "Other people have it worse." For others, they might maximize their discomfort, utilizing suffering as a badge of honor. You might have heard people say, "Oh you think you've had it bad? Listen to what I've experienced." Both are examples of comparative suffering, needing to see one's suffering through other people's pain. When we feel discomfort in our experience, we'll rationalize to manage it. How can we handle personal affliction while being sensitive to others?
Universal Empathy. Empathy is universal when it includes yourself. Comparative suffering often stems from a lack of empathy, whether it is towards yourself or others. Empathy is the capacity to feel for others' experiences, whether in grief and sorrow or elation and joy. When we feel there is only enough space for one person's emotional experience, the capacity for compassion depletes. You can endure hard times independent of another person's experience. For example, if a friend is grieving the loss of a parent, and you're going through a breakup, you both can be grieving your losses. You may not necessarily lean on one other, but comparing your experiences does not help either party.
Okay, we all have that person. You know the person you call, and somehow the conversation flips around to them? You begin to wonder midway through the conversation how you're listening to their saga once again. No, it does not make you self-centered if you're tired of being the one consistently listening to other people. You may be experiencing exhaustion from interpersonal understanding.
My social work undergraduate research paper examined compassion fatigue among family-based mental health workers. Compassion fatigue describes the psychological, physical, and emotional impact of helping others, often through experiences of trauma. You may not be employed in a healthcare or direct service organization to understand this feeling. People who identify as caretakers, nurturers, peacekeepers, or codependents know the exhaustion of feeling you give to everyone else and feel the lack of emotional availability from others. Boundaries, values, and reflection will encourage changes in how interactions flow with others. Ask for what you need to make your relationships work best.
Suffer and let people know it. Maybe you are the person who shouts from the rooftops (or on Facebook posts) when you're going through a hard time. At times we misconstrue vulnerability as oversharing, mistaking attention for empathy from others. You may be the person who quietly suffers but identifies strongly with struggling. This strategy stems from an older wound: I must hustle to matter. If this is your strategy, you may judge people who appear lackadaisical. Understand that this approach stems from a lack of empathy towards yourself and others—curiosity, understanding, and compassion medicinally transform the notion of suffering for worthiness to worthy of belonging.
There is more than enough empathy, compassion, and belonging to go around.
Empathically Yours,
Brittani
