Am I Bad
Parents often tell their kids, "Be good," when dropping them off at daycare, school, or a friend's house. From the time we're young, we understand how to differentiate "good" versus "bad." Talking back to adults, taking your friends toys, and ignoring rules are behaviors deemed "bad." Sharing, following directions, and doing homework on time equals "good." Here's the problem: we assign behaviors a person does to who a person is. Identifications people make about themselves often include:
"I was the problem child growing up."
"I followed the rules and did my best not to make a fuss."
"I thought rules were dumb and wanted to do what I want."
"I made sure everyone was taken care of. I wanted people to like me."
Notice what thoughts you have as you read the list. If you identify with any of the above thinking, "That was definitely me," or if you read one with the thought, "Oh, I knew that kid," or "I tried not to be that person." We have implicit ideas to how we thin-slice who people are and make predictions based on what we notice. We need to get into the nitty gritty of separating identity and action. Discernment is the key to unraveling shame versus guilt, self-righteousness versus self-compassion, and fitting in versus belonging.
You're A Good Person. A couple of weeks ago, I attended the virtual Couples Therapy Conference by Psychotherapy Networker. Psychotherapist and author Terry Real was a keynote speaker, who showed a video working with a male-female couple. In the video, he asked, "I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?" The man says, "The bad news." Terry responds, "You're emotionally and verbally abusive. How does that feel when you hear that?" The man replies, "I feel ashamed." Terry asked, "Where do you feel that in your body?" The man said he felt it deep in his chest. Then Terry says, "Do you want the good news? You're a good guy." The man started tearing up during the session as he explained that he never truly heard or believed that he was good.
Ingredients of Shame. Shame drives us into dark places, making it hard to believe that light exists in us. Perfectionism, self-righteousness, peacekeeping, as well as rage, manipulation, and blame, serve as adaptations to the shame that lives within us. These adaptations are different branches of the same roots. Striving to be "good," not "bad," stems from fear of acceptance and belonging. Blame serves as a fear response to preserve perceived power, a confabulated sense of self, and ensures people are at a distance for self-protection. We move away from our inner wisdom when we act out of fear.
Ingredients for Compassion. First, what to negate. We must refuse the idea that we need to be right by justifying our actions and blaming others. I don't use superlatives often, but the strategies mentioned NEVER work. "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" is a common question asked in couple therapy. It's a helpful cliché that you can find humor in. Here's what does work: fierce compassion. Compassion combats shame through accountability, understanding, and generosity.
Accountability: Own your side. When you take ownership of your actions, you no longer let shame be the leader of your story. Ask yourself: "What could I have done better if nothing changed about the other person/situation?"
Understanding: Reflect on your emotions, thoughts, and needs. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?"
Generosity: Being in the sentiment that you and others are doing their best at the moment they live in. Make situations less personal by saying, "This does not make me or the other person malicious, irresponsible, or bad." Boundaries are where we have enough compassion for self and others. Resentment serves as a cue to set boundaries.
