The Role You Play
The number one issue people seek couples therapy for is communication. This may not be shocking to people, given everything we do could be considered communication. It's not just what we say; it's tone, nonverbal cues, intent, and our purpose for speaking. As a new family therapist, we would identify areas of growth the family needed to address. Almost always, communication was on the list. Our supervisor said, "Communication is a symptom of the problem. What is happening underneath that is coming out in their communication?" I've carried this insight with me to tune into insights beneath words.
Resilient Relationships. "You don't talk to other people the same way you talk to me" is a phrase I've heard quite a few times. No, we don't treat our partners the same way we treat others; they're the ones we share finances, hopes, dreams, homes, and sex with. They have access to parts of us the rest of the world doesn't see. Modern relationships demand more from ourselves and our partners. While fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, the fifty percent who stay married have more fulfilling partnerships. Resilient relationships require emotional curiosity, repair after arguments, and admire one another's personal growth. How can we refine our relational awareness skills to make our relationships more resilient?
Emotional Depth. We are born into relationships. They are foundational to who we are and how we see ourselves in the world and emotionally influence our sense of belonging and independence. Our relationships with our significant others have a longstanding history before you even meet. There is a theory that we marry our unfinished business from our families of origin. Our families of origin teach us how to love and be loved, give us a sense of whether we are loveable, and how to seek attention and approval that reinforces a sense of belonging, and this happens non-consciously. When we choose a partner, we choose to be in a role we didn't know we would be selected for. Our roles often serve us and lead to resentment for the parts of us that become overshadowed.
The common roles we play in families include:
Perfect one:
Being good at sports, school, activities, etc., signifies to parents that they are doing a good job.
Desires to be acknowledged as their person and not their achievements
Easy one:
Tends to squash down their emotions.
Needs to keep things painless
Wants to feel seen and heard
Rebel:
The one who points out things going wrong in the family when no one else wants to see it.
Tends to rebel against norms for a sense of individuality
Wants to feel validated and unignored
Parentified child:
Takes over as a parental figure
Over-responsible
Desires to be taken care of
Peacekeeper:
Keeps peace among family members
People go to this one as the mediator whenever there is a problem
Has a desire to have emotions acknowledged
Struggling one:
The one who has struggled behaviorally, academically, or the family scapegoats issues onto this child
They want to be seen for their capabilities.
Understanding our roles helps to understand our communication patterns. As you review the list of roles above, which one(s) do you identify with? How have you carried this role into your current relationship? How does your role affect how you communicate? Practicing relational self-awareness expands our sense of self and enhances relationships with others. Keep practicing.
In Awareness,
Brittani
