The Necessary Breakdown
Self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem are three common topics that drive people to seek therapy. Common phrases include:
I don't like myself.
I just need to be more confident, and I'll be better in life.
Self-worth has always been a struggle for me.
You might even feel the pain reading this. If you think of a version of yourself that felt insecure in social settings, shame around where you are in life, struggled with body image, or strongly desired a romantic relationship, the sadness of these times may still exist. It's okay that it does, no matter how long ago this may have been.
Stories We Tell Ourselves. We can hold multiple parts of an internal narrative: one states that we're awesome and worthy of goodness in our lives, while the other takes us into a dark spiral of terrible thoughts, feelings, and memories. These thoughts heavily impact our self-concept. Self-concept is the idea of who we are physically, socially, spiritually, and emotionally, primarily influenced by internal beliefs and the responses of others. When we experience the battle of good vs. bad, it can be challenging to pick a side. Both can have notable arguments, and we succumb to believing whatever our mind makes up. Yet, that's the conundrum: humans are meaning-making creatures who get to choose the story to attach to meaning. How do we make meaning to enhance what matters?
Messy Middle. If you're the type of person who looks for right and wrong in almost every scenario, it's time to get familiar with the messy middle. Intimacy translates to into-messy. Intimacy creates a sense of closeness in relationships, and it's time to get close with yourself. You can be and feel various thoughts, feelings, and inner dialogue simultaneously. Regarding self-worth, confidence, and esteem, the goal would not be to eradicate the inner-critic or never feel sad and be eternally enthusiastic. The goal is to redefine self-concept by enhancing resiliency during hard times.
Breakdown the Equation. Our inner critic holds the pain of our story around worthlessness, being unlovable, or comes up with equations such as, "If I lose ten pounds, then dating will be so much easier." Our inner critic thrives on judgments about ourselves and others, and it's doing a damn good job of protecting us. If we keep judgments in our minds as accurate, it gives us reason to resist any chance of rejection, heartbreak, or failure. Often, our mechanisms of protection lead us to the exact place we're most afraid of.
Let's break down the belief: "If I lose ten pounds, then dating will be much easier." Let's say this person does lose ten pounds; now their belief is being challenged to put themselves out into the dating scene. What if this person gets rejected, has terrible dates, or gets carpal tunnel from scrolling through dating apps feeling hopeless? Then they're left with confronting a real fear: "If it wasn't the ten pounds, then is it me?"
When the equation proves false, we're left with more uncertainty, leading to what Brenè Brown calls a mental breakdown/spiritual awakening. The fundamental breakdown may feel painful, but it breaks down unhelpful beliefs that have kept us stuck.
Once You Breakdown, It Gets Better. I'm not advocating for a full-on psychologically destructive event. However, change happens when we radically confront a pain point we've been silently dealing with. "But if I don't feel confident, how will I confront this?" (I'm glad you asked!) Forget confidence, esteem, or worth. These are not the sole prerequisites for living a resilient life. Turn courage, willingness, bravery, and boldness into action, and you'll go far. When you turn values into verbs, you gift yourself the chance to live resiliently and redefine your self-concept.
Turn the lens on you.
What equations hold you back? When do you think you'll feel more confident, happier, and more successful?
What happens if you don't get the result you were hoping for? Who does that make you?
What happens if you do get them? What's the story that comes to mind? What does it say about who you are? Where does that come from?
Understand that these are all thoughts that can be rewritten. Write and rewrite time and time again.
